Misunderstandings

I feel often evaluated wrong; a new insect from deep in the jungle, a strange creature below the tides not yet seen, an organism from a distant galaxy. Even if someone knows me, they treat me like those things, misunderstand me, rush ahead in their misunderstanding and get upset at me before I can do anything. Humans are so volatile.

I’ll become depressed, the other person will form a rain cloud over them, mutism takes over so I don’t talk, the other person gets mad over me not talking, and I become irritated they’re getting mad at me for something like that. I do manipulate people sometimes, yes that’s true, but this isn’t a case of manipulation. What would I even be manipulating here? This is a case of you failing to understand basic symptoms as they’re happening. You think I can just tell you when I don’t want to talk, as if it’s so easy. I can’t talk! This is about as harmless as effects of my mental illnesses get yet I’m made to feel as though I’m horrible for “choosing” to do “silent treatment.” It’s not silent treatment and I’m not choosing anything. What are you hoping to gain by starting a fight over it, what is there to gain?

And why does the onus fall on me to have to explain my symptoms. I don’t understand why the other person doesn’t look into it themselves and ask questions about whatever confuses them, instead of having me do all the work. I’m already tired and struggle with motivation and you’re needlessly adding to it. What’s worse is when I explain and it apparently goes in one ear and out the other ’cause the next time my health breaks down, they’re as confused and distraught as ever as to what’s happening, like they can’t even identify it. Instead, they’re lazy and shift it all on me – once I’ve recovered and am thinking clearly, I have to sit there and analyze all my behavior for them, put labels to it, and painstakingly describe everything. It’s utterly exhausting and stressful. It’s not a case of them helping me to figure out what may’ve triggered the problem either, they show no interest in figuring out a possible stressor or cause and how to help me avoid it in the future. It’s just them being incompetent and forcing me to alleviate their incompetence for them even though I shouldn’t be put in that position ever.

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