Saved Vent Post 1

An entry I wrote about feeling irrational hatred over others on a discussion site elsewhere which I deleted but wanna keep for myself.

Mmm, I know that feeling. The most extreme forms it’s taken are-

I’ll become really jealous and have contempt for children in my extended family who are growing up well, in loving households and with all their needs and more easily taken care of. Just briefly brushing over thoughts of my traumatized childhood sends a white, hot rage searing up in my body. If I compare it to a good childhood, some of that anger transfers over to them and I find myself disliking others, whether they’re children or adults.

My girlfriend has a nearly perfect life. She grew up spoiled, makes friends with ease, has little to no trouble regulating her emotions, doesn’t get anxiety outside of what’s normal, can motivate herself, has a nice career lined up for her once she graduates, and has had very few hardships – just the typical grandparent you saw sometimes in childhood passing away type of hardship. When aspects of her perfect life are pushed in my face, I find myself hating it and her. In rougher minddays, I’ll start to wonder if she’s even human. Typical emotion regulation and empathy levels like what’s exhibited from her strike me as cold and robotic. So when something happens to spark up the hatred of all the perfection surrounding her, the situation can snowball and suddenly I’m scared of her on top of that ’cause she feels sterile and inhuman. Remnants of this make it hard to comfort her and be there for her when she’s sad over something or struggling ’cause in secrecy I’ll be thinking “do you even really experience sadness? You’ll be over whatever this is within a couple hours or a day at most.”

Honestly, I don’t like feeling this way. It’s stressful and unpleasant but there’s not much I can do about it. I just let it wash over me and eventually subside, like a wave. I work hard to be cognizant and not let any words slip out which might give away what I’m struggling with inside.