Saved Vent Post 2

Another.

I’ve always struggled with obsessive thoughts. Well, perhaps struggled isn’t the best word. Sometimes it’s overwhelming, but sometimes it’s nice.

Like you, I obsess over interests and feel like I have to learn everything about it as quickly as I can and be as up to date as possible with ongoing things. And I do just that! It’s usually a good experience for me however, by distracting me from bad parts of life. Also, my interests tend to not fade. They last for years – I’m still into the things I liked as a child even, just less intensely, though something can spark up the old intensity.

If I meet someone new whom I like, I’ll obsess over them as a person. So say I come across someone on a forum and have an affinity for the way they express themselves, I’ll go and check through as much of their post history as I’m able and I’ll keep checking in on them every couple days to see if they’ve said anything new. I wanna learn as much as possible about this person who makes my heart’s wings speed up! I’ll also talk to them and subtly learn more. Receiving a message filled with new words is euphoria. The presence or absence of it can make or break my day.

There was a friend I made who I started to kind of fall in love with, but she separated herself from everyone after something happened in her family which she didn’t want to discuss but wanted to take time to herself for. At first I understood. But I missed her and kept obsessing over her ’cause I couldn’t help it… Fast forward almost a year and I was still thinking over her daily and had a few breakdowns over the lack of contact. She suddenly reappeared and talked to me about her absence, apologizing and updating, in October. It was hard to control myself and the flood of emotions leaking out from my heart and getting stuck elsewhere in my veins and ribs. Then she took up another absence. Truth be told, I still think of her almost every day. I’ve tried really hard to stop this obsession but I can’t. I just like her existence and exchanging words so much. I’m endlessly grateful my girlfriend understands this struggle of mine and has even helped to ease the edge of it a little.

I tend to obsess over other random things, too. If I’m customizing a profile on a website, I’ll look at it over and over and over for days. If there’s a character in a piece of media I like, I’ll obsess over the character by watching/reading the media they’re in over and over, absorbing parts of their personality into mine, looking up everything I can find online about them, daydreaming, etc.

I have obsessive, rumination problems relating to anxiety and fears. If my girlfriend is going to the hospital (she’s a med student) but doesn’t text me after arriving or if she doesn’t text me at all throughout a morning, I’ll believe 100% she’s dead. I’ll be unable to get the thoughts out of my ridiculous yolkbrain and just sit there in bed feeling like the essence of death is flowing throughout my body taunting me, wondering how long I should wait before carrying out my suicide because there’s simply no way I can live without her. Then when she writes me, apologizing for her busy morning or having slept late and almost missing her exam or whatever other reasonable and normal thing happened, the prior obsessive anxiety instantly fades and I wonder why I ever was so certain something horrible happened.

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