8/17/17 Food

Peanut butter and jelly sandwich, almond milk.

Four pierogi, water.

Pork chop, corn, piece of chocolate cake, water.

Estimated 6 grams of sugar, 25 grams of sugar alcohol.

8/15/17 Food

Ramen with sliced cherry tomatoes and boiled egg, half of avocado, water.

Salmon cake, cabbage, water.

Swiss cheese wedge with crackers.

Calm stomach tea.

One toast with jelly, water.

Estimated 9 grams of sugar.

Diana as a borderlion

I watched the Diana: In Her Own Words documentary tonight. I always thought she was interesting and was gently drawn to her. I’d been wanting to watch this since I heard about it earlier this month but had semi forgotten about it and didn’t make any plans to keep track of it, so I really just got lucky by happening to catch its rerun tonight, the premiere night.

Earlier this year I was looking up famous figures with mental disorders. When it comes to depression and anxiety, you could walk on the list straight into the core of the Earth though the majority of it is probably wrong. Others like schizophrenia and DID were upkept better, so I liked looking through those. Then comes BPD. Surprise surprise, there’s next to no one. The people who are there? I don’t know any of them and the ones I randomly click on aren’t exactly famous. When I looked for a speculative list outside of wikipedia, I was only met with two worthwhile possible candidates. The first being Angelina Jolie, who does have a different history if you look into her and was confined in the UCLA psych ward in the 90s, where allegedly she received a presumptive BPD diagnosis. Who knows if the alleged part is true but it wouldn’t surprise me if it was.

The other was Princess Diana. At first I was shocked and suspicious, ready to give it the same treatment as the other speculations by combing it out of the web strands before it settled in my yolkbrain as a thing to connect. The only thing worse than my eyes seeing some poorly done armchair diagnosing is my brain focusing on it enough to remember it and then in the future I’ll randomly recall it and have to relive the inward wincing feeling again.

But a second later it was different. I wasn’t wincing, instead I was thinking maybe there’s something here after all, all things considered.

I didn’t think of it much after that. It might flash through my head when I saw her somewhere. During the documentary, however, I couldn’t stop thinking of it. It almost felt like I was being bombarded with files on a case. It was incredible how well I could relate to her feelings about her husband, her reactions to the situations she was in, and how… disordered it was.

It’s common for BPD to become most apparent when the person with it is in a relationship. Romance brings out the worst. I suppose it’s no surprise considering what love does to people in general, there’s a reason why falling/being in love is so commonly described as “going crazy.”

Charles, Diana’s husband, had been involved with a woman named Camilla before he met Diana. They were together, Camilla got married, then rekindled despite her marriage, and they seemed to continue to be on the downlow even as Charles was marrying Diana.
Diana said before the marriage, she saw a box and although she was told not to open it, she did and in the box she found a bracelet intended for Camilla from Charles. This was painful, of course. She said she was angry and sad in her marriage. I think many would be.

I think she described her feelings towards him earlier on as being up and down. She describes crying her eyes out over her situation countless times in over a decade’s time period. She developed bulimia after he commented negatively on the size of her waist, before their marriage, and it persisted throughout the 80s, years after her sons were born. She said she had a bad bulimic spell even the night before her wedding. When he would leave, she would begin to obsess something terrible had happened to him. She said she slit at her wrists, hurt her legs, she threw herself down the stairs on purpose, and detailed an incident where right after a fight with Charles, not waiting til he left the room, she grabbed his pen off his desk and stabbed herself in the chest and arms with it.

Often when people think of self injury associated with mental illness, they imagine someone doing it alone while feeling numb or sad. Her being driven by rage to stab herself as the only way to relieve the rage and the fact that she went ahead and did it right in front of him is very borderline to me. Intense anger is a borderline trait and she definitely had it. She also displayed other struggles commonly found in ND people like barely being able to handle crowds (she was disturbed by crowds and often would cry over them once out of sight), low self esteem (she only mentioned improvements after a shrink started coming to see her once a week), anxiety over her daily situations that doesn’t ease up, putting on an exhaustive act for others and obsessing over it to oneself about how no one notices you’re doing so, for women: suffering quietly, I think she described it as sitting down smiling but inside she was completely torn up. I thought it was interesting she mentioned she developed postpartum depression after having William.

It’s hard to remember everything I heard ’cause there was so much. I’d have to watch it again and take notes.

Something very common in borderlines is someone close and important, particularly a parent, having abandoned them at a young age. I suppose considering her turbulent emotional behavior as an adult, it’s no surprise she said elsewhere her childhood was an unhappy one and it was noted her mom effectively abandoned her after divorce. It’s interesting this isn’t reflected in the wiki article although her brother described it this way.

Kinda random, but lately I’ve been trying to figure out ways to decipher whether an emotion I’m feeling is normal or abnormal. So far I’ve come up with nothing except for a trick that sometimes works for anger. I’ll suddenly start breathing heavy puffs of air out through my nose, it feels as though I could breathe fire. My jaw clenches some and I lose the ability to predict and control my strength. Everything I pick up is roughly grabbed or knocked over, my steps are heavier, even just turning around is done so harshly I can feel something of a burn in my waist. Whenever it happens around my mom, she’ll say “don’t get weird on me,” haha. The last time she said it was a couple weeks ago when I threw a pair of scissors at her instead of handing them over after she asked for them.

I’m not sure if this is normal or not. When I’m happy, it feels like there’s gritty sand filling my throat and quickly causing it close up. My throat becomes tight and full and the rest of my body feels paralyzed. Aside from the issue of not being able to remember the actual emotion part of how an emotion feels once it’s gone, it’s extra hard for me to remember this happiness ’cause it’s like my brain stops recording vision or something.

8/14/17 Food

Chicken pasta with various vegetables, two pumpkin cookies, water.

Cooked potato with salt.

One toast with honey, calm stomach tea.

Rice cakes, one vanilla wafer, water.

Estimated 9 grams of sugar, 10.5 grams of sugar alcohol.

When I and/or my mom make homemade cookies now like the pumpkin ones, we do everything we can to minimize the sugar. Like today she didn’t use all of the pumpkin, stevia instead of sugar, honey instead of icing. Naturally this means the texture comes out quite different from how it would otherwise but in fact I like the unique, light texture it has.
I also like the texture of the honey over normal honey – we use a sugar free honey substitute (it has 10 grams of sugar alcohol per tablespoon) and it’s more liquidy and less sticky than normal honey. I noticed in some reviews people say it doesn’t taste like honey or even that it has no taste but they’re wrong on both accounts.

8/13/17 Food

Small piece of ham, two pancakes with jelly, chilled chai tea mixed with vanilla almond milk.

Slice of pizza with pineapples and banana peppers, rice cakes, water.

Peanut butter and jelly sandwich, rooibos tea.

Swiss cheese wedge with crackers, almond milk.

Roasted and salted peanuts, water.

Estimated 14.5 grams of sugar. Hives continuing to fade and no new ones have appeared.

I don’t add anything to my tea unless I have a sore throat, in which case I add a drop of honey. Last night I got a sudden urge to try out replicating a drink I had before by adding the last of the vanilla almond milk to half a glass of chai tea, and this morning I took it out of the fridge. It wasn’t too different from the iced chai latte I had at a bookstore, just less sweet.

8/12/17 Food

Rooibos tea.

Scrambled egg sandwich.

Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, two vanilla wafers, almond milk.

Chicken noodle soup, almond milk.

Two hashbrowns, water.

Estimated 9.5 grams of sugar, 9 grams of sugar alcohol.