Saved Vent Post 2

Another.

I’ve always struggled with obsessive thoughts. Well, perhaps struggled isn’t the best word. Sometimes it’s overwhelming, but sometimes it’s nice.

Like you, I obsess over interests and feel like I have to learn everything about it as quickly as I can and be as up to date as possible with ongoing things. And I do just that! It’s usually a good experience for me however, by distracting me from bad parts of life. Also, my interests tend to not fade. They last for years – I’m still into the things I liked as a child even, just less intensely, though something can spark up the old intensity.

If I meet someone new whom I like, I’ll obsess over them as a person. So say I come across someone on a forum and have an affinity for the way they express themselves, I’ll go and check through as much of their post history as I’m able and I’ll keep checking in on them every couple days to see if they’ve said anything new. I wanna learn as much as possible about this person who makes my heart’s wings speed up! I’ll also talk to them and subtly learn more. Receiving a message filled with new words is euphoria. The presence or absence of it can make or break my day.

There was a friend I made who I started to kind of fall in love with, but she separated herself from everyone after something happened in her family which she didn’t want to discuss but wanted to take time to herself for. At first I understood. But I missed her and kept obsessing over her ’cause I couldn’t help it… Fast forward almost a year and I was still thinking over her daily and had a few breakdowns over the lack of contact. She suddenly reappeared and talked to me about her absence, apologizing and updating, in October. It was hard to control myself and the flood of emotions leaking out from my heart and getting stuck elsewhere in my veins and ribs. Then she took up another absence. Truth be told, I still think of her almost every day. I’ve tried really hard to stop this obsession but I can’t. I just like her existence and exchanging words so much. I’m endlessly grateful my girlfriend understands this struggle of mine and has even helped to ease the edge of it a little.

I tend to obsess over other random things, too. If I’m customizing a profile on a website, I’ll look at it over and over and over for days. If there’s a character in a piece of media I like, I’ll obsess over the character by watching/reading the media they’re in over and over, absorbing parts of their personality into mine, looking up everything I can find online about them, daydreaming, etc.

I have obsessive, rumination problems relating to anxiety and fears. If my girlfriend is going to the hospital (she’s a med student) but doesn’t text me after arriving or if she doesn’t text me at all throughout a morning, I’ll believe 100% she’s dead. I’ll be unable to get the thoughts out of my ridiculous yolkbrain and just sit there in bed feeling like the essence of death is flowing throughout my body taunting me, wondering how long I should wait before carrying out my suicide because there’s simply no way I can live without her. Then when she writes me, apologizing for her busy morning or having slept late and almost missing her exam or whatever other reasonable and normal thing happened, the prior obsessive anxiety instantly fades and I wonder why I ever was so certain something horrible happened.

Saved Vent Post 1

An entry I wrote about feeling irrational hatred over others on a discussion site elsewhere which I deleted but wanna keep for myself.

Mmm, I know that feeling. The most extreme forms it’s taken are-

I’ll become really jealous and have contempt for children in my extended family who are growing up well, in loving households and with all their needs and more easily taken care of. Just briefly brushing over thoughts of my traumatized childhood sends a white, hot rage searing up in my body. If I compare it to a good childhood, some of that anger transfers over to them and I find myself disliking others, whether they’re children or adults.

My girlfriend has a nearly perfect life. She grew up spoiled, makes friends with ease, has little to no trouble regulating her emotions, doesn’t get anxiety outside of what’s normal, can motivate herself, has a nice career lined up for her once she graduates, and has had very few hardships – just the typical grandparent you saw sometimes in childhood passing away type of hardship. When aspects of her perfect life are pushed in my face, I find myself hating it and her. In rougher minddays, I’ll start to wonder if she’s even human. Typical emotion regulation and empathy levels like what’s exhibited from her strike me as cold and robotic. So when something happens to spark up the hatred of all the perfection surrounding her, the situation can snowball and suddenly I’m scared of her on top of that ’cause she feels sterile and inhuman. Remnants of this make it hard to comfort her and be there for her when she’s sad over something or struggling ’cause in secrecy I’ll be thinking “do you even really experience sadness? You’ll be over whatever this is within a couple hours or a day at most.”

Honestly, I don’t like feeling this way. It’s stressful and unpleasant but there’s not much I can do about it. I just let it wash over me and eventually subside, like a wave. I work hard to be cognizant and not let any words slip out which might give away what I’m struggling with inside.

Down

I have such little motivation and am so depressed. I can’t bring myself to talk to Abby, I have no subjects and I’m sick of always having to be the one to come up with them. Why would you rely on a depressed person to set the tone of conversations anyway, makes no sense.

I need to get my motivation back up to do job apps but it’s hard. I feel like I’ve searched for just about everything by this point. I don’t know what to do. I graduated uni with a pretty low student loan yet I can’t pay it off ’cause I have no employment and despite all the apps I’ve put in, I’ve received so few calls back. The calls I did get back, I had to fight to keep their attention. I’d give them my hours and they’d say they would contact me again, if I didn’t call them back myself, they wouldn’t say another word. It’s ridiculous.

I wish Bangtan were coming back already, I could use something positive and new in my life. I used to like the teasing period right before a new release but I don’t anymore, it’s almost agonizing and I don’t enjoy the main thread as much as before ’cause it moves way too fast even when nothing’s happening. It’s depressing and stressful. It’s becoming increasingly hard to enjoy my hobbies. Thinking of all this is making my head hurt.

Misunderstandings

I feel often evaluated wrong; a new insect from deep in the jungle, a strange creature below the tides not yet seen, an organism from a distant galaxy. Even if someone knows me, they treat me like those things, misunderstand me, rush ahead in their misunderstanding and get upset at me before I can do anything. Humans are so volatile.

I’ll become depressed, the other person will form a rain cloud over them, mutism takes over so I don’t talk, the other person gets mad over me not talking, and I become irritated they’re getting mad at me for something like that. I do manipulate people sometimes, yes that’s true, but this isn’t a case of manipulation. What would I even be manipulating here? This is a case of you failing to understand basic symptoms as they’re happening. You think I can just tell you when I don’t want to talk, as if it’s so easy. I can’t talk! This is about as harmless as effects of my mental illnesses get yet I’m made to feel as though I’m horrible for “choosing” to do “silent treatment.” It’s not silent treatment and I’m not choosing anything. What are you hoping to gain by starting a fight over it, what is there to gain?

And why does the onus fall on me to have to explain my symptoms. I don’t understand why the other person doesn’t look into it themselves and ask questions about whatever confuses them, instead of having me do all the work. I’m already tired and struggle with motivation and you’re needlessly adding to it. What’s worse is when I explain and it apparently goes in one ear and out the other ’cause the next time my health breaks down, they’re as confused and distraught as ever as to what’s happening, like they can’t even identify it. Instead, they’re lazy and shift it all on me – once I’ve recovered and am thinking clearly, I have to sit there and analyze all my behavior for them, put labels to it, and painstakingly describe everything. It’s utterly exhausting and stressful. It’s not a case of them helping me to figure out what may’ve triggered the problem either, they show no interest in figuring out a possible stressor or cause and how to help me avoid it in the future. It’s just them being incompetent and forcing me to alleviate their incompetence for them even though I shouldn’t be put in that position ever.

Brain fog

When I have a day where I sleep too much, I end up stuck with brain fog til I go to sleep again later. Sometimes like now it’s accompanied by a sharp, periodic pain in my head like someone’s poking a shard of ruby glass against my brain. It’s hard to remember things and communicate to people. Usually my inner narrator is expressive despite my real voice not being so but when under brain fog, it falls flat too. I’ve been struggling to talk to Abby for hours, I don’t know what to say or how to. It makes me annoyed, honestly. I’ve been feeling warnings of sensory overload all night and this doesn’t help. There’s a feeling in my chest where it suddenly grows hot and full, like tons of steam is being pumped in and a bunch of soft yet cluttery objects are all shoved in at once. I get wisps of irritation and urges to slam my arms against something. Lately the notification sound from LINE is bothering me a lot, when there’s a couple or more in a row it starts up the warning sensation or later I’ll start hearing it playing over and over in my ear even though when I check the screen there’s no notification. Once it kept doing it in just one ear and the notifications were back to back til they were overlapping, I thought it would never stop.